I try not to editorialize too much in this space, to force my opinions on a subject with a heavy hand. With the spring primary around the corner, I figure everyone has just about had their fill of commercials and other politico drones. I have pretty strong opinions based on what is most important to me, so I’ll leave it to someone else to help you make up your voting mind if you can’t make up your own on May 6.

However, recent developments in the custodial world force me to climb atop the keyboard that is my soapbox. I imagine we’ve all grown accustomed to public toilets that flush at random. Some even spit like frightened venomous snakes, forcing the unfortunate user to recoil from the plumbed pit viper. I accept that automatic paper towel dispensers are too technologically advanced for me. Someday there will be a dance craze inspired by these devious devices. You wave your right hand up, you wave your left arm out, you wipe your hands on your pants and you shake them all about.

No two water faucets can be counted on to operate in the same manner, either. If there is actually soap in the liquid soap caddy, can the rinse water be accessed by a foot pedal at the base of the vanity? Do you wave your sticky hands under the faucet from left to right or forward and backward, and for how long? Or must one look directly into the red-eyed sensor at the faucet base and whisper the secret password? I don’t know. Must be a gimmick to sell clip-on hand sanitizer.

As I was leaving a public restroom not too long ago, I heard a soft ‘pfft’ overhead and felt a light mist descend upon my shoulders. Aside from the uck-factor of any unidentified liquid raining in the loo, the fog smelled like pineapple coconut.

We’re entering the season of vacations. With the price of gas, more people are hitting the roads on day trips. State parks and campgrounds will be packed to the gills, as will communal commodes along the highways. As we stop to relieve ourselves of caffeine, do we really want to buy an ice cream sundae that smells just like the restroom we visited a moment before?

Enough is enough. Right here, right now, I officially launch a campaign to ban food-related fragrances in public restrooms. If I walk out of one more lavatory with the scent of Bubblicious in my nostrils and on my person, I cannot be responsible for my own actions.